Contrary to popular belief, time machines are devices that do little else but use up time.
Here are a few to watch for and avoid :-
Zero Tolerance Paint.
Design is all about defining parameters.
Engineering is all about determining how wrong those parameters can be, without compromising the design intent. The more wrong those parameters are allowed to be - the cheaper it is to make the final product.
Engineering tolerancing used to be a complex procedure but - thanks to our Zero Tolerance Paint - this is no longer the case. For years engineers have tried to appease stylists and designers by getting parts to fit together consistently and cheaply as close together as the ever sought after thickness of a 'gnats cock'.
Our scientists have now perfected techniques for harvesting gnat genitalia - both male (M) and female (F) - and formulated two liquids, one viscous and one volatile, to create an easily applicable two-part paint system.
Just apply the 'M' paint to one surface and the 'F' paint to its abutting surface. The parts will mate together perfectly.
Too tight? Simply apply the slightest pressure to rub the 'F' paint the wrong way. It will immediately repel the 'M' paint and the parts will separate.
Too loose? Apply any pressure to rub the 'M' paint the right way and within seconds it will expand to close the gap to contact the 'F' painted surface.
Application notes:
Brush onto each face evenly in one direction only. Note that the right direction for the 'F' paint is invariably opposite to the right direction for the 'M' paint. (Experience may help).
It is important to apply the paint in equal quantities. Accumulations of 'F' paint generates undesirable torque and stress.
Note: This paint is not effective on joints subject to any reciprocating pressures, as the 'M' paint has a tendency to fatigue spontaneously.
Basic Time Machine
Control your rate of passage through time with this invaluable rose tinted interface device.
This 'must have' contrivance for any project manager enhances the production of random thought - called Intellectual Brownian Motion (IBM).
Extrapolated from Parkinsons' law (which states that 'work expands to fill the time available for its completion'), the less you do - the more slowly time will pass. Used correctly, life will seem endless and onlookers will see you as apparently motionless.
IBM alone does not invoke action and so no work actually takes place. For instance, envisaging a button and a lever for a fully operational space-time travelling machine is interpreted as an IBM event. This requires no effort and therefore takes no time.
Use the interface freely but take care, applied thought invokes the so-called 'Progress' vector which will immediately begin to consume time and money.
Warning: Unfettered 'Progress', without appropriate intervals of naturally occurring IBM, will result in catastrophe. Naturally occurring IBM - called 'common sense' is extremely rare and claims of progress are generally found to be false.
Temporal Distortion System (TDS - or Tedious) unit
This amazing technology allows you to package twice as many components in a single space.
Energy is simply the result of the interaction between spacetime and mass. This electromagnetic energy has a waveform and, like all waveforms has a negative and positive state. This device samples the proximal tetrahedral spacetime matrix and rotates it by 180 degrees, enabling the contents to reside in the same void, but in the opposite part of the phase cycle.
Simply fill the unit case with half the components and set a two-position switch to shift the contents by half a wavelength. The now empty case can be filled with the remaining components. When you run the unit, the contents oscillate between the half phases.
This machine is extremely sensitive and requires a geo-stationary orbit relative to the sun, so care must be taken when switching it on as it will attempt to stabilise its position in the local spacetime geometry. It will effectively leap to one side at approximately 19 miles per second as the planet continues on its annual course. Airbags not included.
Adequat Spray Dispenser
Distilled from the residual content of beer glasses, when inhaled in minuscule quantities, this substance imbues the recipient with feelings of adequacy. Scientists have called this material 'Adequat' and research discovered that Adequat has a critical mass. Quantities above its critical mass will invoke strong feelings of inadequacy.
An inadvertant spillage of Adequat revealed that it instantly loosens bolts. Further investigation concluded that inorganic material is susceptible to Adequat and these bolts had simply given up their grip on life.
An improvement on WD-40 (which, it is believed, primarily consists of synthetic blood plasma - convincing stubborn bolts that they have been bled on), Adequat makes engineering disassembly tasks quick and easy - just spray on as required.
This material must not be used on new projects as it is easy to be misled into thinking that dealing with materials is simple. Overspray can cause problems with personnel and nearby objects.
In case of accidental contact with the skin, avoid contact with psychiatrists and zealots.
Perpetual Motions Generator
This machine has just one simple function - to convert man-hours into man-hours.
Take 100 man hours, leave them in the containment chamber, set the timer and wait for 99 hours. When the alarm sounds, the man-hours will be converted into a workforce of 100 men for one hour.
The core of the generator consists of a small black hole contained within a paper barrier; this being the most impregnable substance known.
There are some minor drawbacks. Due to the intense pressures involved, the men will tend to be more dense than the original. This device has a short lifespan because the paper adjacent to the black hole turns into soft tissue and rips without warning, corrupting the event horizon (the 'deadline'), sending bio-shrapnel in all directions.
This unit must be mounted well away from ventilation equipment.
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